bm_shipper: (PP - Pete/Violet *Hug*)
[personal profile] bm_shipper
Today my grandfather called me to tell me how bad it REALLY is with my grandmother, or better to say: how bad it has become through the night... she won't make it much longer... he called me to tell me if I wanna see her again, I should do it now, or there won't be a chance anymore to see her ever again...

She will die... soon... within the next couple of hours, maybe days, but it's already VERY bad... the end is near...

I went to the hospital to see her and yes, she looks awful, almost not recognizable anymore and so much different than last time I've seen her...

She's concious, but I don't know how much she still "gets"... I am sure she recognized me, because when I wanted to go the first time she grabbed my hand and obviously wanted me to stay... she's not able to talk anymore, her whole right side is paralyzed and she just lays there and looks...

She doesn't have any hair left and she's totally pale and thin and like I said... almost like she's someone else...
It's hard to even watch her and I really don't know how to cope with that...

A lot of people went there to see her today, like my relatives from styria or the foster parents of my niece (but without my niece) and such and everyone was crying and it was hard for me NOT to, but I just couldn't... but I'm crying now, where I'm back in my room alone...

Tomorrow she might already be dead, and call me cruel, seeing her like that made me almost want it to be over soon, because she's suffering... she was so full of live but nothing of it is there anymore and this is NO life... I don't think I would want to live like that, without being able to do ANYTHING on my own anymore and without being able to even communitcate... when she tries to talk, it's almost not understandable... she has a black eye because she fell out of the bed and it's just all very hard to take in...

That all happened because of the cancer... because she got a stroke, which the metastases in her brain caused...

MY BIRTHDAY IS CANCELLED THIS YEAR! I've already cancelled my cake order and all the plans I had made...=)
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January 2013

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